Tag: women

More marriage jokes!

All from Edel!

A man goes to a shrink and says, ‘Doctor, my wife is Â unfaithful to me. Â Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.
What do you think I should do?’
‘Relax,’ says the Doctor, ‘take a deep breath and calm down. Â Now, Â tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?’

————————————————————
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
‘Give me one last request, dear,’ he said.
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’

More marriage jokes:

http://www.timony.com/jokes/category/marriage/

Tags bob, boblarry, deathbed, die, doctor, edel, hate, John, larry's bar, marriage, marry, men, pick up, shrink, wife., women

men women

APPLE ANNOUNCEMENT

Whom do you think this is from? Well Ernie of course! 🙂

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts….. and not listening to them.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/22/apple-announcement

Tags apple, bra, breast, breast implants, computers, cup, cup size, ernie, implant, iphone, ipod, itit, listen, social breakthrough, speaker, woman, women

marriage men naked women

Two ways to shower

From Ernie!

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red

Tags bathroom, clean, conditioner, cucumber, ernie, fart, hair, hampler, husband, laundry, leg-lifts, loofah, men, mint, mirror, nose, pee, physique, pumice, robe, sage, shampoo, Shampoo Mohawk, shower, sit-ups, Squeegee, wash cloth, water, wiener, wife., womanly, women, woo-woo

health sport women

WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

From Ernie:

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
______________________________

__
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

Continue reading “WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM”

Tags belinda, coffee, ernie, hysterectomy, pain, pectorals, sore, weight, weights, woman, women, workout

american naked politics religion

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?

Post author By thejoker
Post date December 18, 2008
No Comments on HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?

And another slightly political, but guaranteed to insult many, joke from Ernie!

How to save the Airlines:

Dump the male flight attendants No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party
atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ‘special services.’

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/17/how-to-save-the-airlineshow-to-save-the-airlines/

Tags airlines, bill clinton, business, business men, ernie, naked, naked women, recession, stewardess, strippers, tips, win-win, women

marriage men women

Men Strike Back

From Ernie:

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
——————————————————————-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
——————————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
——————————————————————-
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
——————————————————————-
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
——————————————————————-
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
——————————————————————-

Tags bald, beer, dog, fart, laundromat, male chauvinist pig, men, miss right, over, sexist, washing machine, wedding cake, wife., women

men wisedom women

Quote for the day:

MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT

And another from Ernie:

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren’t with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

Tags broom, ernie, ex-wife, faa, ifr, men, plane crash, vfr, witch, women

marriage men women

Men Are Just Happier People!

Post author By thejoker
Post date September 21, 2008
No Comments on Men Are Just Happier People!

And here’ssss one from Danny:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectiona tely refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in Â£20, even though it’s only for Â£32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay Â£2 for a Â£1 item he needs.
A woman will pay Â£1 for a Â£2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Tags ARGUMENTS, bathrooms, cats, danny, dogs, DRESSING UP, EATING OUT. Money, FUTURE, marriage, men, NATURAL, NICKNAMES, OFFSPRING, shopping, success, wake, women

cat dog marriage men women

Women!

And more from Edel:

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

————————————————————
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

‘Look Miss,’ said the foreman, ‘have you any actual experience Â in picking lemons?’

‘Well, as a matter if fact, yes!’ she replied.? ‘I’ve been divorced three times.’
————————————————————
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Tags cat, cats, divorce, dog, dogs, edel, family, florida, foreman, hurricane, lemon, men, woman, women