Tag: woman

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Jokes ….

And even more from Edel:
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Reason Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

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And that’s how the fight started….

Ernie, Ernie, Ernie!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…..so, I took her to a gas station…..
And that’s how the fight started….
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s how the fight started.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’.
And that’s how the fight started…..

Continue reading “And that’s how the fight started….”
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Rome Trip

A great one from Ernie:

This is something to think about when negative people  are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next  time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

‘Rome? Why would anyone want to go  there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome … So, how are you  getting there?’

‘We’re taking Continental,’ was the reply. ‘We got a great rate!’

‘Continental?’ exclaimed the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?’

‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.’

‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and  they’re overpriced.  So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?’

‘We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.’

‘That’s rich,’ laughed the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’

A month  later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

‘It was wonderful,’ explained the woman, ‘not only  were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were  wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand  and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million  remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at  no extra charge!’

‘Well,’ muttered the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the  Pope.’

‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.’

‘Oh, really! What’d he say?’

He said: ‘Where’d you get the shitty hairdo?’

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Women!

And more from Edel:

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

‘Look Miss,’ said the foreman, ‘have you any actual experience  in picking lemons?’

‘Well, as a matter if fact, yes!’ she replied.? ‘I’ve been divorced three times.’
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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How to treat a woman or a man.

From Ernie:

How to treat a woman:
Wine her.  Dine her.  Call her. Hold her.  Surprise her. Compliment her.  Smile at her.  Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.  Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her.  Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand.  Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How to Treat a Man::

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don’t block the TV.
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Woman’s Life Cycle

And from Ernie:

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

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IRISH DOCTOR

And from Danny, one about an Irish doctor and his assistant. Obviously, not a joke from Ireland, as few people there go hunting, and they’d be called knickers or underwear not Panties!

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.
Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic,” he says. “I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients.”
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks,
“So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?” asks the doctor?
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,” says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this.

And what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table.

She spreads her legs and shouts, “Help me, I beg you! It’s been five years since I’ve seen a man!”
“Thunderin’ Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?” asked the doctor.

“I put some drops in her eyes.”