An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
Some fine advise from Ernie:
And the first one from Gerry, with a load of English specific jokes:
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: ‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. ‘What are my choices?’ the man asked. Â ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.
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5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’
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4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The assistant replied, ‘ I’m afraid not, they’re dead.’
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3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the bobby said. The kid replied, ‘Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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2nd Place
A lorry (truck) driver was driving along on a country road.A sign came up that read ‘ Low Bridge Ahead. ‘Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver, Â ‘Got stuck, eh?’ The lorry driver said, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol (gas)!’
This one’s from Edel, I’m pretty sure I saw this one before except the main characters are Irish.
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
[] Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4:00 a.m. the next morning F.B.I. agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire garden without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
No-one’s been sending joke, however Gina sent us a few! Thanks Gina.
Do not lose your grandkids in the shopping mall!
My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said:
‘I’ve lost my grandpa!’
The cop asked:
‘What’s he like?’
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied: