Tag: mother

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kids nuns religion

A Nun Grading Papers

From Ernie:

Can you imagine yourself as the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording & spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious!  It comes from a Catholic Elementary school test; kids were asked questions about the Old & New Testaments. The following statements were written by children - THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE; GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY; BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH

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Categories
italian marriage tasteless women

ITALIAN VIRGIN

From Ernie! This is pretty funny, but does that whole cliqued thing about how Italians speak English. You could replace Italian with just any other natonality or creed and it’d still be funny (you’d just need to change the wording a wee bit). This is one of those jokes that might be funnier if it didn’t try and make fun of Italians, as the situation could be generalized into any naive sheltered woman getting married.

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

‘Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you..

Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’

‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’

Continue reading “ITALIAN VIRGIN”
Categories
family marriage men religion women

2 theories of creation!

Finally a joke from Edel:

A little girl asked her mother: ‘How did the human race appear?‘ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.’

Categories
girls sex women

Sex?

From Ernie:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’

Categories
kids sex

Baby Planes

One from Ernie:
A mother and her small son were flying Southwest Airlines from Dallas to Houston. The son (who had been looking out the window), turned to his mother and asked,

“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer), told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the  stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?” The boy admitted that this was the case.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes at Southwest because Southwest always pulls out on time –now let your mother explain that to you.”

Categories
animals funny weather

Am I a Polar Bear?

From Edel:

A polar bear asks his Mother, ‘Mom, am I a real polar bear?”
“Yes darling, of course you are.” his mother answered.
“Are you SURE I’m a polar bear?”
“Yes dear,” his mother replied, “You are. I am, you sister is, you’re father is, we’re all polar bears.”
“Are you POSITIVE?”

“Yes, yes, for the last time, you’re a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?”

“Cause I’m f**king freezing!”