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animals dog funny marriage men mother-in-law women

Mother-in-law

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession, a funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line!

The man couldn’t stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog.

“I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?”

The man replied

“Well, that first coffin is for my wife.”

What happened to her??!

The man replied

“My dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further

“Well, who is in the second coffin?”

The man answered

“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also.”

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied

“Join the queue.”

Categories
funny men women

Ski Trip

From Ernie:

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Bob.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day

Categories
men sex women

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

And another from Gina! How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?

She asked.

Hunting Flies

He responded.

Oh! Killing any?

She asked.

Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,

he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

How can you tell them apart?

He responded

3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone!

Categories
car men women

Women Drivers……..a man’s view !!!

This one’s from Edel:

Driving to the office this morning on the M-50 , I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!! Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the make up but drifting halfway into my lane!!

It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke….) that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the cheese roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell in to the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!