Tag: ernie

Categories
men religion women

Eve Needs A Man!

And an alternative Bilbical one from Ernie:

If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How are things, Eve?”, He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied, “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real pain.”

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need half, but I see that you are tight. I’ll fix that up right away!” and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation?” He asked.

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let’s see, where did I leave that useless boob?”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/eve-needs-a-man/

Categories
drink

Alcohol

From Ernie:

Alcohol does not make you FAT – it makes you LEAN …. against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/alcohol/

Categories
american naked politics religion

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?

And another slightly political, but guaranteed to insult many, joke from Ernie!

How to save the Airlines:

Dump the male flight attendants No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party
atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ‘special services.’

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/17/how-to-save-the-airlineshow-to-save-the-airlines/

Categories
old sex

Viagra

And another from Ernie:

Pfizer Corp., announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs”, and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”.  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO


Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.  If you don’t send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/07/viagra

Categories
american blonde family food

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

I was away over Thanksgiving and missed all the Thanksgiving jokes that! So better late than never, here the first Thanksgiving joke from, who else but Ernie!

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, ‘Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!

‘At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep………………

SHE’S BLONDE!

Categories
american drink men women

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Ernie keeps rolling them out:

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman .

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

Continue reading “THE BOTTLE OF WINE”
Categories
american family men naked old sex

One Bad Biker

And more from Ernie!

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!” 

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat. 
The drunk leans on the table again and says, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” 
The biker’s buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing. 
The drunk leans over one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!” 
At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, “Grandpa, go home, you’re drunk!”
Categories
funny

Cinderella today

More from Ernie!

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years’?

The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: ‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold

Cinderella said, ‘Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’.

The fairy godmother replied ‘it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?’

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, ‘I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.’

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: ‘You have one more wish; what shall it be?’

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.’

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered……….

Continue reading “Cinderella today”
Categories
marriage men women

The husband, the wife …

Ernie’s always sending me jokes! 🙂

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the male therapist got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?’

The husband thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.

Categories
american one-liners

Thoughts to Ponder …

JUST THINK – IF THE INDIANS HAD GIVEN THE PILGRIM FATHERS A DONKEY INSTEAD OF A TURKEY, WE ALL WOULD BE HAVING A PIECE OF ASS FOR THANKSGIVING.