Some fine advise from Ernie:
From Ernie:
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.  She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully…
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.? After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Whom do you think this is from? Well Ernie of course! 🙂
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts….. and not listening to them.
And another great one from Ernie:
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.  He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:
“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself. Â “When he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. Â If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! Â If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. Â But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. Â And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be
a skirt-chasin’ bum.”
The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.  The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.
“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered . . .
“He’s gonna run for Congress!”
Another from Ernie!
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
When he grabs a teat and pulls…the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who’s selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow’s current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,
‘Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.’
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat…the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says,
‘You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn’t yah?’
Ole is very surprised since he hadn’t told Sven about his trip. Ole replies,
‘Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?’
Sven says,
‘My wife is from Nordakota’
And another from Ernie:
“How can I repay you for such kindness” she asked. “Just let me make love to you each night…”
The blonde agreed. Â That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the captain asked. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, whose stowed me away”
she explained “I get food and free passage to Europe and he’s screwing me”.
"He certainly is", the captain said.
"This is the Martha's Vineyard Ferry."
From Ernie:
A nice old story that will make you appreciate family.
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk… Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
‘And always remember this thing,’ she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’
‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.
From Ernie!
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
From Ernie:
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
______________________________
__
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
From Ernie:
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts, and the men didn’t hold hands.