Tag: ernie

Categories
old

Serenity or Senility

And another from Ernie!

1- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me.’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented. She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’

2- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

3- Three old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’

4- I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

5- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Continue reading “Serenity or Senility”

Categories
funny one-liners

And another great one from Ernie! And I tink it will make you smile. 😉

You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid’s

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?

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Categories
funny

Buying a Fishing Rod

From Ernie:

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.  She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, ” Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Madam, I’m completely blind; but, if you’ll drop it on the  counter, I can tell you everything youneed to know about it from the sound it makes.” She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404  reel and 5-kg. test line. It’s a good all around combination,and it’s on sale this week for $44.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’lltake it!” As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh ,that sounds like a Visa card,” says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way  the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $58.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $44?. How did you get to $58.50?”
“The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.” he replys.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/02/11/buying-a-fishing-rod

Categories
american old tax

Don’t mess with Grandpa!

A good one from Ernie! I heard of version of this years ago where a lad’s in a bar and does to the barman (bartender) what Grandpa does to the auditor.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
bout it!’
Don’t Mess with Old People!!
Categories
girls marriage old

The Most Beautiful Girl

From Ernie:

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William’s dad took him aside.

“Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said, ‘Yes!’ We’re getting married in June!”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.

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Categories
men women

Men are like …

Another man-basher joke from Ernie! I mean Ernie how could you! 😉

  1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
  2. Men are like. Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are
  3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
  4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
  5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
    Continue reading “Men are like …”
Categories
marriage men sex women

Men!

Ernie sent me this one, I think our female readers will enjoy it!

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.

Here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. WHY?

Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Categories
men women

Golf Accident.

From Ernie!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.

‘Nooo, no, I’ll be all right. Just give me a few minutes,’ the man gasped. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel?’

Continue reading “Golf Accident.”
Categories
old sex

Lovemaking Tips for Oldsters

From Ernie:

Lovemaking Tips for Oldsters

1. Wear your glasses.  Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes — in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.  (Turn them ALL OFF and close the shades)

4. Make sure you put 9-1-1 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

Continue reading “Lovemaking Tips for Oldsters”

Categories
marriage men women

Proof that Men Have Better Friends…

From Ernie:

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over and two said he was still there.