Tag: ernie

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kids nuns religion

A Nun Grading Papers

From Ernie:

Can you imagine yourself as the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording & spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious!  It comes from a Catholic Elementary school test; kids were asked questions about the Old & New Testaments. The following statements were written by children - THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE; GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY; BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH

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Categories
funny

Two little old ladies

From Ernie:

Two little old Ladies were attending a church service.

One leaded over and whispered:
“My butt’s gone to sleep”.
“I know” replied her companion,
“I heard it snore three times”.

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animals marriage medicine men old priest women

5 Short Ones

From Ernie:

1 • TRANSFUSIONS: American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

…Just thought you’d like to know.
2  • CONFESSIONAL: An old man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I’m Jewish

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I’m telling everybody!

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american kids marriage medicine men money sex women

Different ways

From Ernie:
1 – Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Leroy replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

2 – A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

3 – ‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

4 – A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

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Categories
funny

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

From Ernie:

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ‘It’s Lent’. In tears, she sobbed, ‘Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?

Categories
funny

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

From Ernie:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the W D-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Categories
american funny irish

Happy Saint Patricks Day

And the best version of Danny Boy ever:

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funny

My wife asked me to send this out – for your information

Another great one from Ernie!

Theif Warning!
You’ve heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by Black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few Years ago. I went to sleep and woke up With someone else’s thighs.

It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire Summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I’d have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary – my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those ‘plastic’ surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something ‘lifted’, look again – was it lifted from You?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to Women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband!

Categories
food men sex women

The Black Bra

From Ernie:

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said.

“What’s for dinner, Batman?”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/02/19/the-black-bra

Categories
money

Letter to the Bank

From Ernie:

Dear Sirs:
One of my checks was returned marked “insufficient funds”.
In view of current events in the banking market,
does that refer to me, or to you?