Tag: edel

Categories
car medicine police

You gotta love a good nurse…

From Edel:

THE SCENARIO OPENS AS:

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.  Worried that he may have had a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough that he could see what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

Continue reading “You gotta love a good nurse…”
Categories
irish tasteless work

The Dole

From Edel, I think this joke came from Amerika as it mentions welfare (which they don’t call it that in Ireland) and someone modified it for their Irish friend:

At the dole office in New Ross a local traveller walked in to pick up his cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’

The social worker behind the counter said, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You’ll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is ˆ200,000 a year.’

The Traveller just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘ you’re bullshittin’ me!’

The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well you started it.’

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/07/05/the-dole/

Categories
animals funny weather

Am I a Polar Bear?

From Edel:

A polar bear asks his Mother, ‘Mom, am I a real polar bear?”
“Yes darling, of course you are.” his mother answered.
“Are you SURE I’m a polar bear?”
“Yes dear,” his mother replied, “You are. I am, you sister is, you’re father is, we’re all polar bears.”
“Are you POSITIVE?”

“Yes, yes, for the last time, you’re a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?”

“Cause I’m f**king freezing!”

Categories
irish

A Donegal Dictionary

Another from Gina, these Donegal people are wile! 🙂 And Edel sent it too!

A……….I
Aul……. Old
Aul Boy….Father
Aul Doll…Mother
Aye……..Yes
Bother…..Hassle
Canny……Cannot
Class…. .Good/Great
Dinny……Don’t
Doll……Girl or woman
Foundered .Extremely cold
Fray……From
Gan…….Going
Gaff……House/flat
Geesa…..Give me a
Gissa…..Girl
Glack……..Good luck………..Good bye
Gon…….Please
Hanlin….Trouble or Fight or Argument
Hi……..Used at the start and end of every sentence
Hay…….Have
Hey?……Phrased as a question meaning what
Juck……Boy or Man
Ker………… Car
Lock……Small amount of something
Mind……To remember
Mon…….Come on
Naw…….No
Nuance….Unusual
Pure……very
Purdies…Potatoes
Rare……strange or unusual
Staish….Oh wow or Look
Thon……That
Tight…..Cruel
Wan…….One or 1
Wan…….Refering to a person. E.g. “Look at that wan there”
Wee…….Small
Weins…..Babies or children
Well……Hello
Wile……Very or Terrible
Yes…….Hello
Yis Sir…Slang, Hello
Yes Horse……..Hello to someone u like
Yock……… different types of ladies

Categories
funny

Dusting!

And and oldie from Edel:

Dusting

Remember…a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

“A house becomes a home when you can write “I love you” on the furniture“.

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect – “in case someone came over”. Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
NOW, when people visit, I don’t have to explain the “condition” of my home .

They are more interested in hearing about the things I’ve been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven’t figured this out yet, please heed this advice Life is short. Enjoy it!


Dust if you must . . . but wouldn’t it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need!
Dust if you must, but there’s not much time … with beer to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb , music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead. Dust if you must, but the world’s out there with the sun in your eyes,the wind in your hair,a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.

This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must,but bear in mind, old age will come and it’s not kind. . .

And when you go – and go you must – you, yourself will make more dust!
Share this with all the wonderful friends in your life.


I JUST DID.

It’s not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

Categories
funny

Thank You!

And this one’s from Edel:

Thank you!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking their nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.


I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan …

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a wonderful day….

Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late

Categories
animals drink funny

Conundrum

Edel was OOO for a few days, good to see she’s back at work and being productive! 🙂

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a ‘drop off’, the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on, and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Continue reading “Conundrum”
Categories
british english funny irish radio

TODAYS IDIOTS

And from Edel, supposedly a whole bunch of silly, wrong, or incorrect answers given by contestants on various British & Irish radio & television quiz shows.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re..?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France ..
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris

Continue reading “TODAYS IDIOTS”

Categories
car men women

Women Drivers……..a man’s view !!!

This one’s from Edel:

Driving to the office this morning on the M-50 , I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!! Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the make up but drifting halfway into my lane!!

It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke….) that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the cheese roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell in to the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!