Tag: edel

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funny tasteless

A Fart …

And a wee poem from Edel, I’m almost sure I’ve seen this one before?

A fart, it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song……

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While  others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while……

A  fart can occur
In  a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But that farts are all bad,
Is simply not true
We must never forget…….
Nice old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye – doesn’t it?
Have a Good  DAY!

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/12/01/a-fart

Categories
family marriage men religion women

2 theories of creation!

Finally a joke from Edel:

A little girl asked her mother: ‘How did the human race appear?‘ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.’

Categories
irish Light Blub

Save Energy

And another one (with an Irish emphasis) from Edel:

A Chara,

Due to recent economic conditions, and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, we regret to announce that the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Sorry for any inconvenience.
Regards,
Eamon Ryan
Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/10/23/save-energy/

Categories
ill irish religion

Jesus goes into a bar

Here’s a bit of a sacrilegious one from Edel. It’s a very Irish themed joke, to really get the punchline you have to know that Tallaght is a working class suburb of Dublin.

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They’re staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He’s so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: ‘My God, it’s Jesus!’

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks.  Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: ‘My God, the arthritis I’ve had for thirty years is gone. It’s a miracle!’

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock. ‘Strewth mate, the back pain I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s a miracle.’

Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.

‘What’s wrong?’ says Jesus.

Continue reading “Jesus goes into a bar”
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funny government health old religion retirement

Jokes ….

And even more from Edel:
————————————————————

Reason Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.
————————————————————
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

Continue reading “Jokes ….”
Categories
car men nuns sex

The nun and the taxi driver.

From Edel:

A cabbie  picks up a Nun.

She gets into  the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is  staring.
He  replies: ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to  have sex with a nun.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
#3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and  says, ‘Yes, I’m single,  Catholic, and I’m happy to enter from behind!’

‘OK’  the  nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his  fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they  get back on the road, the cab driver starts  crying.

‘My dear  child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’

‘Forgive me but  I’ve sinned.  I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m  Jewish..’

Continue reading “The nun and the taxi driver.”
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religion

The Fork

A sentimental tale from Edel:

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things ‘in order,’ she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

‘There’s one more thing,’ she said excitedly.

‘What’s that?’ came the Pastor’s reply.

‘This is very important,’ the young woman continued. ‘I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.’

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

That surprises you, doesn’t it?’ the young woman asked.

‘Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request,’ said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. ‘My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my
favorite part because I knew that something better was coming…like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!’

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them:
‘Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.’

Continue reading “The Fork”
Categories
cat dog marriage men women

Women!

And more from Edel:

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

————————————————————
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

‘Look Miss,’ said the foreman, ‘have you any actual experience  in picking lemons?’

‘Well, as a matter if fact, yes!’ she replied.? ‘I’ve been divorced three times.’
————————————————————
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Categories
irish tasteless

Crisis as Dublin Floods

More from Edel! There’s been major flooding in Dublin recently (Summer 2008) and this e-mail been doing the rounds:

Finglas was hit badly by the  floods over the weekend. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering  ‘ Whaas da bleeeding Story ?’ ‘aaaaaawright bud’ and ‘fuuuucksake’.

The  flooding decimated the area causing approximately 30 euro worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and Santa Ponsa were  damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt cars were destroyed.

Many  locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.

RTE News reported  that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to  the terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by illegal  means.

One resident : Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15 year old mother of 5 said  ‘It was such a F***in shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin inta  me bedruem cryin, Me youngisst two Tyler Morgan an Megan Brooklyn slept tru ih all. But I was bleeedin  shaken watchin F***in Rikki Laaake in da mornin’

Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental crime did carry on as usual.

The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, Frozen Pizzas, and  John Player Blue to the area to help stricken locals.
Rescue workers are  still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal  belongings, which include Welfare Books and Jewelery including thousands of  Sovereign Rings, many large Medallions and Hash Leaf Shaped earrings from  Elizabeth Duke at Argos also  Fine Bone China from Tommy’s Wonderland of Value.

This Appeal is to raise  money for food and clothing Parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up  in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed  include:

  • Fake Burberry or Kappa Baseball Caps
  • Hoodies (any type)
  • Tommy Hilfiger Tracks Suits (his and hers)
  • Nike/Adidas Shell Suits  (female)
  • White Donnay Sports Socks Rockport Boots (and any other items  usually sold in TK Maxx)
  • Anything from Magic or Unique
  • Food Parcels may  be harder to come by as refrigeration may be a problem, but are needed all the  same.

Required Foodstuffs include:

  • McCains Oven Chips
  • Heinz Baked  Beans
  • Goodfellas Frozen Pizzas
  • Coke/Fanta
  • Strongbow Cider
  • Smirnoff Ice
  • John Player Blue 15s

And Remember That Your Cash  Contribution Also Counts !!!
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the  compensation forms and Bookies slips
Just 5 euro buys chips, crisps and blue  fizzy drinks for a family of 9
Only 6 euro will pay for a packet of 20 Major  to calm the nerves of those affected.

Thank You Very Much For Your Help.

Categories
marriage old religion

The Silent Fart …

From Edel:

An elderly couple were attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ‘ I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?’

He replies ‘ Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’