Tag: animals

Categories
heaven irish kids religion

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

A great one from Edel:

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.

‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out

“YUV GOTTA BE FuKN’ DEAD……….”

Categories
kids nuns religion

A Nun Grading Papers

From Ernie:

Can you imagine yourself as the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording & spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious!  It comes from a Catholic Elementary school test; kids were asked questions about the Old & New Testaments. The following statements were written by children - THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE; GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY; BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH

Continue reading “A Nun Grading Papers”

Categories
men religion women

Eve Needs A Man!

And an alternative Bilbical one from Ernie:

If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How are things, Eve?”, He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied, “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real pain.”

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need half, but I see that you are tight. I’ll fix that up right away!” and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation?” He asked.

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let’s see, where did I leave that useless boob?”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/eve-needs-a-man/

Categories
animals dog

Inner Strength

  • If you can start the day without caffeine,
  • If you can get going without pep pills,
  • If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
  • If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
  • If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
  • If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
  • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
  • If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him,
  • If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
  • If you can conquer tension without medical help,
  • If you can relax without liquor,
  • If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!