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Those New Yorkers!

From Ernie:

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the Captain.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” the Captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

Continue reading “Those New Yorkers!”
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Golf Course Changing Room

From Ilya:

A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-functio­n and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
to listen.
BLOKE: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
BLOKE: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
…

It’s only £1, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
BLOKE: “Sure, .. go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
BLOKE: “How much?”
WOMAN: “£70, 000”
BLOKE: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £950, 000”
BLOKE: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
BLOKE: “Bye! I love you, too.” The bloke hangs up.

The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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Love must be in the air!

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big t*ts who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a sh*t.

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When I Die Sell All My Stuff

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other a**hole using my stuff..”
She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another a**hole?”

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Police Stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

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Amazing Simple Home Remedies!

Another great one from Ernie! 🙂

These Really Work!! I Checked This Out On Snopes And It’s For Real!

Amazing Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetable S While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You
From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze
Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then
You’ll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life – WD-40 And Duct Tape. If It
Doesn’t Move And Should, Use The WD-40. If It Shouldn’t Move And
Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can’T Fix It With A Hammer, You’Ve Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies – Not Really Good For Anything But
They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

Original Posting At http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/04/09/amazing-simple-home-remedies/

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Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation ‘

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, ‘What was that for?’

She replied…

‘Your horse called.’

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/01/14/mad-wife-disease/

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3 Old Grannies!

Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,

“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said,

“There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said,

“Sure we can! – Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,

“You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

“How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…

Continue reading “3 Old Grannies!”
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Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

And another bad Irish joke from Edel. Funny how only Irish people send me jokes about the Irish!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,”
Said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“But for a million euro you’ve only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question….. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?”

“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick,

”so I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .”

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple……
It’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fookin sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
“I’ll go wit Cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.

“Dat it is, Sir.”

There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you’ve won 1 million euro!”

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven’s name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

Continue reading “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
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Her Fourth Husband!

From Ernie:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

Continue reading “Her Fourth Husband!”