Category: medicine

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health medicine old

Will I live to see 80?

More from Ernie!

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
”Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’ Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
I said, ‘No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! ‘
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’ t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

Categories
medicine men sex women

Pancakes

From Ernie, is anyone else I know going to e-mail me any jokes this week?

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’

‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’

Categories
health medicine retirement

Will I Live to be 80?

From Gina:

Some times you just have to ask yourself ” Will I live to be 80?”

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”
“No,” I replied. “I don’t do drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He then looked at me and asked,

“Then why do you give a shit?

Categories
car medicine police

You gotta love a good nurse…

From Edel:

THE SCENARIO OPENS AS:

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.  Worried that he may have had a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough that he could see what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

Continue reading “You gotta love a good nurse…”
Categories
medicine old

AAADD

From Diane:

AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS ….. PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,

since I’m going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

Continue reading “AAADD”

Categories
irish medicine women

IRISH DOCTOR

And from Danny, one about an Irish doctor and his assistant. Obviously, not a joke from Ireland, as few people there go hunting, and they’d be called knickers or underwear not Panties!

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.
Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic,” he says. “I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients.”
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks,
“So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?” asks the doctor?
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,” says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this.

And what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table.

She spreads her legs and shouts, “Help me, I beg you! It’s been five years since I’ve seen a man!”
“Thunderin’ Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?” asked the doctor.

“I put some drops in her eyes.”