Category: marriage

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And that’s how the fight started….

Ernie, Ernie, Ernie!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…..so, I took her to a gas station…..
And that’s how the fight started….
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s how the fight started.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’.
And that’s how the fight started…..

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MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT

And another from Ernie:

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren’t with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

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Men Are Just Happier People!

And here’ssss one from Danny:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectiona tely refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

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MAMA MIA!

Ernie’s really on a roll:

This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought it himself already in heaven.

For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.  Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?  Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. ‘Get out of here!’ she shouted, ‘They’re for the funeral!’

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Women!

And more from Edel:

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

‘Look Miss,’ said the foreman, ‘have you any actual experience  in picking lemons?’

‘Well, as a matter if fact, yes!’ she replied.? ‘I’ve been divorced three times.’
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Divorce, Marriage, Weddings …

Finally after a drought, one from Edel, it’s actually a whole bunch of jokes in one e-mail but I’m going to break it up over a few postings.

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My husband and I divorced over religious differences.


He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:


Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
———————————————————————-
For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

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Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

And another great one from Ernie, supposed this was voted best joke in Ireland in 2007:

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!’
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’
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The Silent Fart …

From Edel:

An elderly couple were attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ‘ I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?’

He replies ‘ Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

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Underwear Dust

And one from Diane!

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife

‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

‘What the Hell is this??’

he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

‘April,’

he hollered into the bathroom,

‘why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied …

‘It’s not talcum powder…It’s ‘Miracle Grow‘

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Saint Patrick’s Day continued!

And a few more from Ciaran Mc for Saint Patrick’s Day:

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

————

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looke d in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Flynn said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Mary said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.