Category: marriage

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Marriage …

And one last marriage joke from Edel:


A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’
The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’
The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’
The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’
The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, ‘Well, I spoke to your wife….. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?’
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
‘Take the poison.’


http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/26/marriage/

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marriage

More marriage jokes!

All from Edel!

A man goes to a shrink and says, ‘Doctor, my wife is   unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.
What do you think I should do?’
‘Relax,’ says the Doctor, ‘take a deep breath and calm down.  Now,  tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?’

————————————————————
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
‘Give me one last request, dear,’ he said.
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’

More marriage jokes:

http://www.timony.com/jokes/category/marriage/

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Bride and the Credit Card

From Edel:

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly.  As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Old man and the Wizard

And more from Edel:

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will  have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

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NorDakotaCows

Another from Ernie!

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.  He is in need of a new milk  cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.  He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls…the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who’s selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow’s current owner,  Ole decides to buy the cow.When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,

‘Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.’

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat…the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says,

‘You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn’t yah?’

Ole is very surprised since he hadn’t told Sven about his trip.  Ole replies,

‘Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?’

Sven says,

‘My wife is from Nordakota’

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/20/nordakotacows

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Two ways to shower

From Ernie!

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red

Continue reading “Two ways to shower”

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marriage men women

Men Strike Back

From Ernie:

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
——————————————————————-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
——————————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
——————————————————————-
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
——————————————————————-
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
——————————————————————-
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
——————————————————————-

Continue reading “Men Strike Back”

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He Said, I Said …

Now Gerry’s sending me jokes too:

He said to me . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don’t have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/11/24/he-said-i-saidhe-said-i-said/

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2 theories of creation!

Finally a joke from Edel:

A little girl asked her mother: ‘How did the human race appear?‘ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered, ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.’

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marriage men women

The husband, the wife …

Ernie’s always sending me jokes! 🙂

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the male therapist got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?’

The husband thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.