Categories
american hell politics

Voting – Strictly Non-Partisan

Non-partisan? Politically correct? We’ll see!:)

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT? IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking  down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and  dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

 “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,”
says the man.

 “Well, I’d like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend  eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,”
  says the senator.

 “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with  that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds  himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet  him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and  then dine on lobster, caviar  and  champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone  gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator  rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door  reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

 “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of  contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects  for a minute, then he answers:
  “Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of  the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and  garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
 “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great  time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted!

Categories
american british english

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

And another from Norm. I’ve seen this one a few times before, and it’s not by John Cleese, someone, somewhere, just added his name to this to make it funnier. However, it actually is kinda funny, and highlights some of the differences (and imaginary differences) between the US and the UK. Well here it is in all of it’s original glory! 🙂

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
A Message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Categories
american drink girls

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a Girl from Michigan

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink from the same glass twice.”

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Michigan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says

“In Michigan we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/02/21/a-mexican-an-iraqi-and-a-girl-from-michigan/