From Edel:
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Category: american
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Psalm 2004
I forget who sent me this one:
Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies’ sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found,
He makest me continue to fear Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt:
Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his
administration,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever
And a great one all the from Gina in Florida:
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
And from Tom R:
We here in Ireland, can’t figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer, who is married to a bitch, who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman, who owns a beer distributorship.
What are you lads thinking over there?
And one from Diane!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
‘What the Hell is this??’
he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘April,’
he hollered into the bathroom,
‘why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’
She replied …
‘It’s not talcum powder…It’s ‘Miracle Grow‘
And one from Ernie:
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Hillary Clinton’s clock?” asked the man.
“Hillary’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan!”
One last one for Saint Patrick’s Day, I couldn’t resist, the Muppets sing Danny Boy!
Danny Boy, isn’t a very well know song in Ireland, I believe it was written by someone from NYC and is very popular amongst Irish Americans.
Another one from Ernie, this one’s been doing the rounds for ages, but still funny:
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Apparently, this is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank made this statement to the press before the cook-off started: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) – Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Ciaran’s on a roll!
Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’
——
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’
‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’
This one’s from Ernie, he sure does like his political jokes: