Um, a wee bit tastless:
In a recent Interview regarding his divorce proceedings and future plans Paul McCartney was asked if he would consider going down on one knee again in the future, he replied,
I’d prefer it if you called her Heather.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone.
The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he asked.
“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline‘ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
Not quite a joke, but a funny article about GIANT Russian crabs off the Norwegian coast:
http://travel.timesonline.co.uk
An army of red monsters is marching west from Russia. They have eight legs, and huge claws, and they grow up to 6ft wide. They’ll eat anything they can catch. There are 10 million of them, and they’re multiplying rapidly.
So, I ask you, what better way to spend a short break than to nip up to Norway, catch a few with your bare hands and eat them with garlic mayonnaise?
The monsters in question are red king crabs and, while they’re not likely to put an end to the human race, they’re certainly enough to give it a few nightmares. They have shells covered in evil spikes and chillingly complex, insect-like mouth parts, all blown up to outlandish proportions …
And Quentin Tarantino’s take on it, there is some foul language used:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
Proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband’s sex drive.
“Have you considered trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance, ” says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”
“No problem– there’s away around that, ” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee — he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.”
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires as to how things went.
“Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!”
“What happened?” asks the doctor, aghast.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!”
“What was horrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not fulfilling?”
“Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks again!”
I’m not sure if I’d take this doctor’s advise to heart. Remember it’s a joke, but the last paragraph has some truth. So enough of me talking rubbish, here’s the (lame) joke:
MUSIC TO OUR EARS
DON’T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM! ..
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming :
Woo Hoo, what a ride!
Someone did e-mail me this! It’s humourous alright, and I’d say a lot of work went into producing this:
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, you’re boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!
This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK , put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Buy the antidote known as BEER .
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life. REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!!
All I can say, is thank God it’s Friday! 🙂
This wasn’t e-mailed to me, but it’s funny and I thought you’d get a kick out it. Plus, after 2 jokes where the English were the brunt of the joke (you’d never guess I’m Irish and my Irish friends e-mail me stuff like that?) I thought it was time for something poking the fun of us Irish! 🙂