Author: thejoker

Categories
irish

Irish Archeology

From Brendan:

Irish Archeology


After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: ‘English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.’

One week later, ‘The Kerryman,’ a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: ‘After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O’Toole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing..

Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.’

Categories
british drink english video

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar – The Complete Adventures

From Liz! From “That Mitchell and Webb Look” and comedy show on British TV:

Categories
wisedom

POTS

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of wa ter.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

“I am ashamed of myself, be cause this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”

The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?”

“That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.”

“For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Categories
american hell politics

Voting – Strictly Non-Partisan

Non-partisan? Politically correct? We’ll see!:)

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT? IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking  down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and  dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

 “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

 “Well, I’d like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend  eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,”  says the senator.

 “I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with  that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds  himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet  him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and  then dine on lobster, caviar  and  champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone  gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator  rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door  reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

 “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of  contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects  for a minute, then he answers:
  “Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of  the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and  garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
 “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great  time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted!“

Categories
cat weather

Winter greetings

And from Diane:

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it’s very well written.

‘WINTER’ a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Cold Kitty Kat

‘SHIT, It’s Cold!!’

The End

Categories
women

Reach out and touch someone

And from Gina:
Dear Pastor David,

I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting.
My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate,homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags,
my heart was touched by this person’s condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,’
I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, ‘Reach out, reach out!’

Continue reading “Reach out and touch someone”
Categories
american british english

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

And another from Norm. I’ve seen this one a few times before, and it’s not by John Cleese, someone, somewhere, just added his name to this to make it funnier. However, it actually is kinda funny, and highlights some of the differences (and imaginary differences) between the US and the UK. Well here it is in all of it’s original glory! 🙂

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
A Message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Continue reading “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN”
Categories
ill women work

Calling in sick

From Norm:
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

“What’s the matter?” he asks.

“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.

“What the hell is anal glaucoma?”

“I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2008/03/05/calling-in-sick

Categories
cerebral

Hebrew?

From John on the BLU mailing list:

There’s an Israeli joke about the Hebrew teacher who drowned in the Mediterranean, because he kept calling out

“Save me!”

in Biblical Hebrew, and nobody understood what he was saying.

Categories
men sex women

The Sensitive Man

And from Jeannie:

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

‘Well,how was it?’

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’