An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
This is cute……….even if you are a democrat or republican.
George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Disney World & Dubya said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on Air Force One.’
The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.
Dubya said, ‘I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.’
The third kid said, ‘ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.’
George was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.
Another great one from Ernie! 🙂
These Really Work!! I Checked This Out On Snopes And It’s For Real!
Amazing Simple Home Remedies:
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetable S While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed
For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins.
Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You
From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze
Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then
You’ll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life – WD-40 And Duct Tape. If It
Doesn’t Move And Should, Use The WD-40. If It Shouldn’t Move And
Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can’T Fix It With A Hammer, You’Ve Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies – Not Really Good For Anything But
They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
Original Posting At http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/04/09/amazing-simple-home-remedies/
Another cracker from Ernie. Is this really the best lawyer joke of all time? 🙂
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give
something back to your community through the United Way ?’
The lawyer looks steadily at him for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, ‘Uh . . . no, I didn’t know that.’
‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?’
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,but is cut off again.
‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’
The lawyer nods slowly ‘Of course you didn’t, but it’s the truth. So tell me this . . . if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?’
Original posting at http://www.timony.com/jokes/2011/03/29/lawyer-joke/
A funny one from Edel:
————————————————————–
DEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this “all-girls” trip.
It will be my first one, – and I can’t wait!
From Ernie:
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before take-off, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the rabbi, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.’
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good. I’d really like one, too.’
Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.
When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours:
‘Why does it have to be this way?
‘How long must this go on?
‘This fighting between our nations?
‘This hatred?
‘This animosity?
‘This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?’
And our first joke from Pat!
A man doing market research knocks on a door. He is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around. “I’m doing research for Vaseline,” he says:
“Do you use it?”
“Yes, We use it for sex”.
The researcher is a little taken back.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”
The woman says:
“My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.”
Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said,
“There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said,
“Sure we can! – Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said,
“You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
“How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
One from Ilya.
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me I was maybe 2 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little ’tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ’just the cutest thingl’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for my Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know)
This is one of the funniest jokes I’ve received in a while. Thanks for the Ernie!
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained,