Author: admin

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men old sex women

Sex and old people

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.”
“Social Security sex?”
“Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”

She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small, $6,500 for “medium, $14,000 for “large.”

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.

The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever’.”

“Yeah,” she replies, “when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:

Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.”

WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right!

When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment – killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, “Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex. He could fly.”

Categories
animals dog

Inner Strength

  • If you can start the day without caffeine,
  • If you can get going without pep pills,
  • If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
  • If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
  • If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
  • If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
  • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
  • If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him,
  • If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
  • If you can conquer tension without medical help,
  • If you can relax without liquor,
  • If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Categories
drink

Retirement Planning

From Dora:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Let people you care about know… and tell them to Start Now!!!

Categories
funny men women

Ski Trip

From Ernie:

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Bob.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day

Categories
irish weather

Irish Summer

What do you call two straight days of rain in Ireland ? A weekend.

It only rains twice a year in Ireland : August through April and May through July.

What’s the definition of an Irish optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.

“I can ‘t believe it,” said the tourist. “I’ve been here an entire week and it ‘s done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?”
“Well, that’ s hard to say,” replied the local. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”

Categories
irish school

Question time

Gina’s really sending out the jokes! 🙂

Teacher: ‘Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we’re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right canhave Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.’

Little Paddy thinks, ‘Whoo hooo! I’m bleedin’ deadly at General Knowledge. This is gonna be sooo easy!’

Teacher: ‘Right class, who can tell me who said. “Don’t ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?”

Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. “Yes, Farqhuar?”

Farqhuar (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy – inauguration speech 1960.”

Teacher: “Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday andwe will see you back in class on Tuesday.”

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even More determined.

Teacher: ‘Who said.”We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?”

Little Paddy’s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know.I know. Me Miss, me Miss!” Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: “Yes Tarquin?”

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.”

Teacher: “Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.”

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he’s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he’s ready for anything that comes. He’s coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: ‘”Who said ‘One small step for man, one giant leap For mankind?'”

Little Paddy’s arm shoots straight in the air, he’s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming “Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee”

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front “Yes Rupert.”

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): “Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing.”

Teacher: ‘”Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.”

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming:

“WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?”

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: “Who said that?” Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, “Patrick Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss.”

Categories
men sex women

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

And another from Gina! How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?

She asked.

Hunting Flies

He responded.

Oh! Killing any?

She asked.

Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,

he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

How can you tell them apart?

He responded

3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone!