Author: admin

Categories
kids nuns religion school

Catholic Education

From Edel:

Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an ‘A’ in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, ‘Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?’
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
‘Well, then,’ she replied, ‘Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?’
Little Zachary looked at her and said,

‘On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.’

Categories
funny men wisedom women

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa:

half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe:

well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value..

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain:

very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece:

gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain:

with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel:

has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self-
preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet:

wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

THE END.

Categories
british funny

The Lady is a Tramp

From Ernie:

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Categories
drink funny

The Power of Alcohol

From Ernie:

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.  The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!  But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh!  Plop!  A torso pops out!  The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy.  The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant, “Take another drink!”

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!  Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild.  The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink!  Take another drink!”
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.  Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out.  The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.  The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

Continue reading “The Power of Alcohol”
Categories
american blonde women

Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun.  Blonde Men do exist

Categories
funny men

Today’s fortune

From Ilya:

Q: What’s the difference between the 1950’s and the 1990’s?

A: In the 90’s, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly,

“I’d like some condoms”

And then, leaning over the counter, whispers,

“and some cigarettes”

Categories
funny irish men sex women

Irish ingenuity when it comes to women

And from Brendan:

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says “how you doin?”
Paddy says ” do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.”
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ..
He says “your dad’s sent me up here to shag the both of you “.
They say “get away with ya.. prove it.”
Mick shouts downstairs “Paddy, both of em?”

Paddy shouts back “of course both of em, what’s the point of f#ckin one?”

Categories
drink funny

Drinking rules

And from Ilya, all about the rules of the pub:

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably
during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a
slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

Continue reading “Drinking rules”
Categories
irish

Donegal

From Gina:

  1. Donegal is the most northernly county in Ireland true, but we ARE NOT part of Northern Ireland.

  2. At school, we did Junior and Leaving Cert’s…NOT 11 plus’, GCSE or A-levels!

  3. We DO NOT use sterling as our official currency.

  4. Our car licence plates are like

    eg: “06-DL-1234” and NOT “YIBA 7HA99”

  5. Contrary to what some Dub’s think, we DO get a clear 2fm signal.

  6. We DO get TV3.

  7. We sell and drink BULMERS, not MAGNERS!

  8. Our nightclubs DO stay open past 1:30am unlike the north.

  9. “Aye”,”wee”,”staysh”,”yon” are all perfectly good forms of the English language.

  10. Yes, we did win the All-Ireland once (1992 was not the stone-age either) and been in 2 of the last 3 Ulster Finals!

  11. There is nothing wrong in being from a county where accents vary dramatically from Ballyshannon to Letterkenny to Buncrana to Gweedore to Glenswilly.

  12. Dunfanaghy is pronounced “Dun fan a hee”, NOT “Dun fonn a gee!”

  13. Ardara is pronounced “Ard Ra” NOT “Are Dara!”

  14. We dont’ not shag sheep and ride our cousins…. bar Glenswilly.

  15. So what if Newtoncunningham is all just one big inbred family.

  16. MacCumhaill Park in Ballybofey is NOT named after Fionn MacCumhaill.

  17. Rory Delap of Letterkenny and Gary Doherty of Carndonagh are not our favourite sons when it comes to what we gave to the Ireland soccer team.

  18. Nor is Mickey Joe Harte of Lifford when it came to the Eurovision in 2003.

  19. Yes we do have a townland in the north of the county called Muff and then Killybegs actually smells like one!

  20. We gave the world Daniel O’Donnell, Packie Bonner, Enya, Shay Given and McDaid’s Football Special drink….what has your county done!!!

Categories
quote weather

Weather Quote

From Ilya:

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don’t know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don’t get it.
— Mark Twain

Mark Twain is awesome 🙂