Month: January 2009

Two ways to shower

From Ernie!

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red

Tags bathroom, clean, conditioner, cucumber, ernie, fart, hair, hampler, husband, laundry, leg-lifts, loofah, men, mint, mirror, nose, pee, physique, pumice, robe, sage, shampoo, Shampoo Mohawk, shower, sit-ups, Squeegee, wash cloth, water, wiener, wife., womanly, women, woo-woo

health sport women

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
______________________________

__
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

Continue reading “WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM”

Tags belinda, coffee, ernie, hysterectomy, pain, pectorals, sore, weight, weights, woman, women, workout

old

Benefits of being 50+

And another from Edel!

Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh…..it is all true…

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

Continue reading “Benefits of being 50+”

american men women

158 years ago…

From Ernie:

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts, and the men didn’t hold hands.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/07/158-years-ago

Tags 1850, california, electricity, ernie, gunfights, money, Spanish, state

men religion women

Eve Needs A Man!

And an alternative Bilbical one from Ernie:

If God had created Eve first, what might have transpired:

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How are things, Eve?”, He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied, “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real pain.”

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need half, but I see that you are tight. I’ll fix that up right away!” and God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation?” He asked.

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let’s see, where did I leave that useless boob?”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/eve-needs-a-man/

Tags adam, adam and eve, animals, boob, breasts, bull, cattle, cow, creation, eden, ernie, eve, ewe, garden, garden of eden, god, mate, ram, religious, sheep

drink

Alcohol

From Ernie:

Alcohol does not make you FAT – it makes you LEAN …. against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/02/alcohol/

Tags alcohol, beer, chair, drink, ernie, fat, floor, lean, liquor, spirits, table, ugly people, walls

cat italian

Crazy Europeans!

From Adriana:

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive, at the Italian border.Â The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
“It’sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro.”
“Vot do you mean it’z illegal?” asks the German driver.
“Quattro meansa four” replies the Italian official.
“Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile”, the Germans saysÂ unbelievingly. “Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5Â perzons.”
“You can’ta pulla thata one on me!”,replies the Italian customsÂ agent.
“Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you areÂ thereforea breaking the law.”
The German driver replies angrily, “You idiot! Call your zupervisorÂ over,Â I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!”
“Maaa sorry”, responds the Italian official, “he can’ta come. He’saÂ busyÂ witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno !…”

http://www.timony.com/jokes/2009/01/01/crazy-europeans/