From Edel:
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. Â They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Â Even the priest smiled broadly. Â As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
And more from Edel:
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will  have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
Whom do you think this is from? Well Ernie of course! 🙂
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts….. and not listening to them.
And another great one from Ernie:
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.  He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:
“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself. Â “When he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. Â If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! Â If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. Â But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. Â And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be
a skirt-chasin’ bum.”
The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.  The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.
“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered . . .
“He’s gonna run for Congress!”
Another from Ernie!
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
When he grabs a teat and pulls…the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who’s selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow’s current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,
‘Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.’
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat…the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says,
‘You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn’t yah?’
Ole is very surprised since he hadn’t told Sven about his trip. Ole replies,
‘Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?’
Sven says,
‘My wife is from Nordakota’
The version of this I heard as a kid, involved Grand-dad on a bus, a punk, and the punchline had a parrot … anyways thanks to Diane for the joke!
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. ‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son …
And another from Ernie:
“How can I repay you for such kindness” she asked. “Just let me make love to you each night…”
The blonde agreed. Â That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the captain asked. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, whose stowed me away”
she explained “I get food and free passage to Europe and he’s screwing me”.
"He certainly is", the captain said.
"This is the Martha's Vineyard Ferry."
From Edel:
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.The local paper read:
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read:
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:
From Ernie:
A nice old story that will make you appreciate family.
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk… Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
‘And always remember this thing,’ she said. ‘Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.’
‘How come, Grandma?’ I asked her.
From Gina in Flordia, and she should know about ‘gators! 🙂
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.’
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase